House Arrested: The series of shorts that take place in a house where all the
tenants are sociopathic criminals under house arrest being watched over by the stern Officer Karp.
GORDON - Annoying, kind of snotty.
ANDRE - Large black guy, sensible.
CONRAD - Shaved head, tattoos, asshole.
BENJAMIN - Normal, nice, guy next door.
JEREMY - Weird.
EPISODE 3: Mice are scary.
INT - KITCHEN
Conrad is walking in the kitchen with a plate of food when mouse skitters across the room and out the door. That mouse scares the shit out of Conrad, he drops his plate of food and screams. Gordon and Benjamin run in to see what happened.
Conrad is walking in the kitchen with a plate of food when mouse skitters across the room and out the door. That mouse scares the shit out of Conrad, he drops his plate of food and screams. Gordon and Benjamin run in to see what happened.
CONRAD
HOLY SHIT!
BENJAMIN
BENJAMIN
What? What happened?
CONRAD
CONRAD
I saw a mouse.
GORDON
(Condescendingly)
You're scared of mice.
CONRAD
Have you ever seen a mouse skitter across the floor when you're not expecting it? There's just something about it that makes your skin jump. It's horrifying.
BENJAMIN
AHHHHHH!!!
GORDON
ARRRHHHHH!!
CONRAD
AAAAAHHH!!
GORDON
What are you screaming at?
BENJAMIN
That.
(pointing to something off camera)
GORDON
That shoe?
BENJAMIN
Sorry.
CONRAD
Don't do that again!
GORDON
(Condescendingly)
You're scared of mice.
CONRAD
Have you ever seen a mouse skitter across the floor when you're not expecting it? There's just something about it that makes your skin jump. It's horrifying.
Benjamin sees something and
screams.
BENJAMIN
AHHHHHH!!!
GORDON
ARRRHHHHH!!
CONRAD
AAAAAHHH!!
GORDON
What are you screaming at?
BENJAMIN
That.
(pointing to something off camera)
GORDON
That shoe?
BENJAMIN
Sorry.
CONRAD
Don't do that again!
The mouse skitters across the doorway. All three men scream.
BENJAMIN
ARRRGG!!!
GORDON
ARRRGGG!!
CONRAD
ARRRGGG!!!!
The three catch their breath
and lock their eyes, they know they have a serious problem.
Suddenly Jeremy jumps into the doorway from the hall.
No one reacts, they all just look at him. Jeremy's smile deflates.
He saw the mouse.
Suddenly Jeremy jumps into the doorway from the hall.
JEREMY
BOO!
No one reacts, they all just look at him. Jeremy's smile deflates.
ANDRE
(voice from off camera)
ARRRRRGGGG!!!
WHAT WAS THAT?
WHAT WAS THAT?
He saw the mouse.
INT-Kitchen
Andre comes running into the kitchen.
ANDRE
Call the exterminator!
JEREMY
We don't need an exterminator for one mouse; just put some cheese down for it and it'll leave you alone.
ANDRE
What do you mean "leave me alone"?
JEREMY
I'll take care of it. I'll just leave some cheese out tonight.
ANDRE
And?
JEREMY
And he won't bother us. He just wants cheese.
ANDRE
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
GORDON
Jeremy do you think we're worried that we won't be able to like...live harmoniously with the mouse?
JEREMY
Well we can just give him the cheese, then he gets what he wants and leaves.
GORDON
That's not how a mouse thinks!
JEREMY
He
thinks about cheese. He's just trying to get our cheese, if we give him
our cheese he'll think "I have all their cheese, now I can leave"
GORDON
No! He thinks "Oh boy! There's a lot of cheese in this house, I'll live here forever and start a family."
JEREMY
Well we'll find out.
CONRAD
Benjamin confiscate the cheese.
BENJAMIN
I am on it.
Benjamin goes into the fridge and takes out the house's cheese, it's a large block of cheese. Benjamin guards it.
ANDRE
Don't feed rodents Jeremy, otherwise they never leave.
BENJAMIN
This is why I think we should have asked for a cat.
JEREMY
What would a cat do?
BENJAMIN
Uhhh...cats eat mice.
JEREMY
Cats don't care about mice.
BENJAMIN
Cats HATE mice!
JEREMY
I don't think so.
ANDRE
Cat's kill mice Jeremy. Everyone knows that.
CONRAD
You didn't watch cartoons growing up?
JEREMY
There was never any cartoon about mice...and cats.
Cats don't care about mice.
BENJAMIN
Cats HATE mice!
JEREMY
I don't think so.
ANDRE
Cat's kill mice Jeremy. Everyone knows that.
CONRAD
You didn't watch cartoons growing up?
JEREMY
There was never any cartoon about mice...and cats.
GORDON
Oh my god!
Tom and Jerry
Itchy and Scratchy
So many others...
JEREMY
Yeah but you never see them fighting.
GORDON
THAT'S ALL THEY DO!
ANDRE
CATS ALWAYS GO AFTER MICE!
JEREMY
I don't think so.
GORDON
ARRRRRRRGGG!!!
JEREMY
Why do you care?
Oh my god!
Tom and Jerry
Itchy and Scratchy
So many others...
JEREMY
Yeah but you never see them fighting.
GORDON
THAT'S ALL THEY DO!
ANDRE
CATS ALWAYS GO AFTER MICE!
JEREMY
I don't think so.
GORDON
ARRRRRRRGGG!!!
JEREMY
Why do you care?
GORDON
It's ANNOYING. It's annoying that you don't know this. Babies know this.
ANDRE
Alright. Enough, we're getting a cat.
JEREMY
Why don't we just get a lizard?
GORDON
(loudly)
Because it's a lizard!
JEREMY
We can get one that bites mice with poison though, cats don't have poison when they bite.
CONRAD
Ok lets vote on it. How many people think we should get a cat?
It's ANNOYING. It's annoying that you don't know this. Babies know this.
ANDRE
Alright. Enough, we're getting a cat.
JEREMY
Why don't we just get a lizard?
GORDON
(loudly)
Because it's a lizard!
JEREMY
We can get one that bites mice with poison though, cats don't have poison when they bite.
CONRAD
Ok lets vote on it. How many people think we should get a cat?
Everyone except Jeremy raises their hand
CONRAD
How
many people think we should unleash a poisonous lizard in this house to
run around and bite us with venom when we reach for the remote?
Jeremy raises his hand
CONRAD
and that's how we got a cat.
INT - LIVING ROOM
They have a cat.
-END-
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