Monday, December 9, 2013

A Box Full of Bugs and a Computer Full of Dicks

SCENE 1 - INT - KITCHEN TABLE

An officer is sitting at a kitchen table with 5 men, all of them have on blinking ankle monitors. Andre (a large black man), Conrad (Caucasian tall, tattooed), Gordon (Caucasian, glasses), Benjamin (Caucasian, typical guy next door look) and Jeremy (creepy, weird).

OFFICER KARP
Which one of you perverts posted a picture of your dick and balls in an adult chatroom yesterday?
No one speaks up.

OFFICER KARP
It's a violation of your parole, I am within my authority to have that person removed from this house and placed back into the provincial prison system. Somebody better step forward and save me an investigation. Benjamin?

BENJAMIN
What, I am your first suspect in a dick pic scandal? That sucks. 

OFFICER KARP
Your account is the only one I saw logged onto the house computer last night.

BENJAMIN
Yeah but I wasn't the only one using the computer, everyone kept stealing it. Conrad and Gordon stole it every time I went to the washroom and I when went to make myself a sandwich Andre sat down and started a movie on it.

ANDRE
Don't tattle.

 BENJAMIN
 You watched Braveheart Andre, it was 3 hours long. I was talking to my family.

OFFICER KARP
Where was Jeremy while all this was going on?

BENJAMIN

I don't know. He was skulking around sort of. In the background. I really try to keep as far from him as I can.


Jeremy doesn't react much, something is off in the way he stares at Benjamin. He doesn't say anything.

OFFICER KARP
 Conrad, do you have any idea where this picture might have come from?

Conrad is seated to the left of the frame, Andre is seated to the right on him followed by Benjamin and Jeremy. Andre is large in the frame, there's something off about Jeremy; there always is.

CONRAD
No but if the dick's black I can probably guess who's it is.

ANDRE
I know; right? It's not me, if it was me he'd know it was me and we wouldn't be having this meeting.

OFFICER KARP
Andre you can be excused from this meeting.

ANDRE
No I want to find out who did it.

GORDON
Why don't you let me see the picture and I'll tell you who's it is?

CONRAD
What the fuck Gordon?

ANDRE
How do you know what our dicks look like?

GORDON
It can't be that hard to tell our dicks apart. I feel like if I had to I could match a dick to it's face.

BENJAMIN
This conversation's getting a bit weird fellas.

OFFICER KARP
For the sake of the individual's privacy I won't be showing any of you the picture in question. Jeremy you're being awfully quiet. 

CONRAD
Don't ruin that.

ANDRE
Don't get Jeremy talking, we don't need him for this. 

OFFICER KARP
Jeremy?


Jeremy stands up and pulls his pants down, exposing himself.

OFFICER KARP
Jesus Jeremy, pull your pants up.

CONRAD
Stop involving him in things.

GORDON
It looked exactly how I thought it would.


OFFICER KARP
Well like it or not unless someone steps forward you're all going to have to drop your pants. Except for Andre and Jeremy.

BENJAMIN
So what; now Jeremy's out too?

OFFICER KARP
Jeremy's penis did not display the characteristics we're looking for. The picture has to belong to one of you three.

Andre laughs, he's enjoying this.

BENJAMIN
This is a witch hunt! 

GORDON 
What if I just tell you what my penis looks like, will that help clear my name?
I am about 7 inches long...

CONRAD
Bullshit! 

ANDRE
There's no way you're walking around with anything over 6 inches.

GORDON
Why; because I am white?

ANDRE
YES!

BENJAMIN
No, I am white and I am about seven inches.

CONRAD
Zero chance of that being true. Every guy says he's 7 inches if you ask him but do you know how many guys actually are? Only like a third of all guys.

BENJAMIN
And what are you?

CONRAD
7 inches. That's how I know you two are lying. 

ANDRE
All of you are lying. 

OFFICER KARP
Andre I don't know why you're laughing like this doesn't effect you. Because of one of these three idiots this house is about to lose online access. 

The group is stunned to silence.

GORDON
(in his best Martin Lawrence voice)
Shit just got real.

ANDRE
What was that?

GORDON
No one gets that reference?

Wide shot of everyone. No one gets that reference, Gordon looks crushed.

OFFICER KARP
I am also going to recommend that we install security cameras in here.

CONRAD
This is bullshit!

OFFICER KARP
That's what happens when you go showing off your dick on the web Conrad.

CONRAD
I've never shown my dick on the web.

Officer Karp shoots him a look of pure skepticism.

CONRAD
I've never shown my dick on the web using THAT computer.    

ANDRE
Why are my rights being taken away because one of those three can't keep his pants on?

OFFICER KARP
Because no one gives a crap about your rights, you're a degenerate in a house full of degenerates. All of your actions reflect on each other. When one of you posts your dick pics on the internet; all of you pay the price. 

BENJAMIN
You don't think installing security cameras is a bit extreme?

JEREMY
Yeah.

BENJAMIN
NO Jeremy.

GORDON 
Jeremy no! Don't come into this.

OFFICER KARP
Jeremy, do you have something you want to say?

ANDRE
Jeremy, go to your room!

JEREMY
I don't want people to watch what I do.

OFFICER KARP
and why not?

JEREMY
Because then they'll just ask questions.

OFFICER KARP

Questions?

JEREMY
They'll want to know why I am always in Benjamin's room. 


BENJAMIN
WHY WERE YOU IN MY ROOM?

JEREMY
I was looking for bugs.

BENJAMIN
Bugs?

JEREMY
To put with my other bugs. 

GORDON
OTHER BUGS?

CONRAD
Are you keeping bugs in this house?

JEREMY
Just in my box.

CONRAD
What box?

JEREMY
My box of bugs.

ANDRE
ARRRRRRRRGGGG!! What?

GORDON
You're keeping a box of bugs in this house?

 JEREMY
Obviously

OFFICER KARP
I think now's a good time to take a short recess.

INT-KITCHEN

Conrad and Andre are in the kitchen, Officer Karp is out back having a smoke, Benjamin and Gordon are in the living room, Jeremy is in the background looking closely at the walls, lifting up shoes, staring at the ground, digging around in every nook he comes across. Everyone is watching everyone else.

Andre is sitting at the table eating cereal, Conrad sits next to him. He speaks like someone who doesn't want to be heard by other ears, hiding behind the cereal box as best he can.

CONRAD
We need to talk.
What are your thoughts on what just went down in there?

ANDRE
I think you're the one who put a picture of his dick on the internet.

CONRAD
Wrong, I stopped doing that a while ago.
That's not what we need to talk about. 

ANDRE
Alright, what then?

CONRAD
This box of bugs. Can you believe we have something like that in play now?

ANDRE
I don't like bugs Conrad.

CONRAD
I don't like knowing that someone like Jeremy has a box FULL of bugs at his disposal. What if he wanted to weaponize this?

ANDRE
Is that what you'd do?

CONRAD
YES! and you'd be afraid to cross me. You could wake up one night to find me standing over you with a box full of spiders in my hand. We can't have a weapon like that in this house.

ANDRE
It's like the nuclear option. Just knowing he has that capability..

CONRAD
To cover you in bugs.

ANDRE
Yes. He's not someone I'd trust with that kind of power. With ANY kind of power. 

CONRAD
Then let's team up, lets find that box because you know those two can't be trusted with it. 
(pointing to Benjamin and Gordon in the living room)

GORDON
(voice from the living room)
Why you pointing at me? It wasn't my dick Conrad.

ANDRE
I am with you on one condition, we destroy the box of bugs when we find it.

CONRAD
Of course.

Conrad straightens up in his chair to answer, as he comes out from behind the cereal box he was using for cover he's startled and horrified to find Jeremy sitting right beside him, clutching something in his hand. 

CONRAD
Gaahhh! What are you doing?

JEREMY
I caught a bug.

CONRAD
Are you holding it in your bare hands?

JEREMY
So? Its just a potato bug see?

Jeremy opens his palm right near Conrad's face.

CONRAD
Bah!

Conrad slaps away Jeremy's hand sending his bug flying onto Andre. Andre jumps up and screams.

ANDRE
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

He flails away in a panic.

ANDRE
AHHHHHHHHH!!
.........
AHHHHHHHHHHH!
.........
AHHHH!
.........
Wait. This is a raisin. 


In the living room Benjamin and Gordon are acutely aware that there's a meeting happening in the kitchen.


GORDON
I bet Conrad's still trying to convince everyone the dick pics aren't his.

BENJAMIN
You think it was him too?

GORDON
Karp said it was either him, you or me and I know it wasn't me. So...

BENJAMIN
Right. Wait, what makes you so sure I didn't do it?

GORDON
I just can't imagine you doing that. Showing off your dick.

BENJAMIN
I wouldn't.
But why do YOU think I wouldn't?

GORDON
You don't have a nice dick. I can tell.

BENJAMIN
What do you mean you can tell?

GORDON
You just have that kind of face.

Officer Karp enters the room from the outside, flinging away his cigarette. He sighs.

OFFICER KARP
When I took this job I thought I scored the sweetest gig in the department. I can be a probationary officer where all my responsibilities fall under one roof, no more driving all over the city to check in with you people. I thought I had it pretty good. But now here I am, about to give three grown men a penis inspection and I am left feeling pretty awful about myself and the decisions that led me here. Who wants to go first?

GORDON
Umm nobody.

OFFICER KARP
Gordon, thanks for volunteering. Benjamin you're next, then Conrad. We'll go into the other room, just let me print out a picture of the penis in question for comparison.

BENJAMIN
This is SICK!

OFFICER KARP
Do you think I WANT to do this? Do you think anyone want's to see YOUR penis?

BENJAMIN
Why'd you say it like that? Mine's NORMAL! Don't listen to Gordon.

GORDON
 Everybody thinks your dick is weird. 
Andre do you think his dick is weird?

ANDRE

Yeah probably. 
 
OFFICER KARP
I am tired of hearing the word dick. Gordon let's get this over with.

GORDON
 What? You want me to just go in there and flash you?

OFFICER KARP
Just like a doctor's physical Gordon, there's nothing sexual about this.

GORDON
Yet this still feels like I am a call girl who has to show herself to some weird businessman. I am not touching myself.

OFFICER KARP
I DON'T WANT YOU TO!
Gordon reluctantly leaves into the other room with Officer Karp, Benjamin knows he's next and he's very stressed out at the idea. Conrad turns to Andre.

CONRAD
This is my chance. Keep Jeremy busy, I am going to go search his room.

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